


You drew your grave on every single map

by smaragdbird



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Kidnapping, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-04
Updated: 2015-11-04
Packaged: 2018-04-30 00:23:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5143490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaragdbird/pseuds/smaragdbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coulson has always felt insecure about his place on the team but hid it so well that even Clint doesn't know. <br/>But then he gets kidnapped by the baddies and all of a sudden Coulson's fears are being realized. He knows that he's really not worth rescuing, that he's expendable and all that. Coulson even goes as far as to tell his captors to not waste their time because they won't come for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You drew your grave on every single map

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this ](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/7940.html?thread=16312580#t16312580) prompt on avengers_kink.

His cell was approximately 2x2 meters, bare concrete, with a single light bulb above him and no window. They had chained him to a chair in the middle of the room. Both the cuffs and the chair were made of metal and it was bolted to the floor. They weren’t taking any chances.

Phil knew that this room would be his grave. Looking back he would have almost preferred to have died that day by Loki’s hand. At least that had been fast. So far his captors had managed to keep him weak but alive.

“Not too hard”, one of them had cautioned when his companion had taken out his aggressions on Phil with his fists. Since they hadn’t asked him any questions it was obvious that they were trying to use him as bait to lure the Avengers into a trap.

It was nice that criminals held him in higher regard than his actual team did.

He knew the Avengers wouldn’t come for him. No one would. He was gone for too long, by now even Fury would have given up. Phil was just as replaceable as everyone else. Maria could do his job as liaison just as well. Tony would prefer her and so would Steve, as much as it hurt to admit but he and Phil had argued over strategies and back up one time too many. Bruce barely knew him and Thor had many friends, what difference would one more or less do?

Clint and Natasha had proven that they could move on without him. They were agents, professionals. And the last thing he wanted them to do was to try and rescue him on their own. This compound was too heavily guarded even for them.

No, Phil Coulson would die in this room. The question wasn’t if, the question was when.

With a bit of luck one of the guards would beat him to death once they realised that the Avengers wouldn’t come.

Or they could torture him to death.

Or lock him in here and let him die of thirst and hunger.

The outcome was always the same. He would die in here, of that he was more than sure.

/

The metal door opened and Iron Man stepped into his cell in all his golden and red glory.

Dying delusions were awesome.

Then the visor shifted and Tony looked at him with worry in his eyes. “Phil? Phil, can you hear me?”

“Stark?” Phil murmured his throat still raw from screaming.

Tony gave him a quick grin and bowed down to cut through the chains with his laser. He did it carefully to avoid nicking Phil with it.

“Tony, did you- “Steve came through the open door, looking exactly like the hero of Phil’s childhood. Maybe he was hallucinating this whole rescue after all. A last mercy his brain gave him before it shut down.

“Nearly done”, Tony replied, slicing through the last chain around Phil’s ankle.

“Agent Coulson how badly are you hurt?” Steve asked, kneeling down in front of him. He looked as concerned as if one of his teammates was hurt and not just Phil. “Can you walk?”

“I’m not sure”, Phil confessed. Steve told Tony to guard the door and very carefully helped Phil to his feet but he wasn’t strong enough and collapsed into Steve’s arms.

“I’ll carry you”, Steve replied, hoisting Phil up into his arms.

“Childhood dream come true, isn’t it?” Tony grinned.

Phil blushed. “Fuck off Stark.”

Tony laughed. “It’s good to have you back.”

“You keep the way clear. Tell the others that we have Phil and moving out”, Steve told Tony. 

“No hurt friends”, Phil could hear Hulk yell in their immediate vicinity followed by a sickening crunch.

“Hulk, let’s go”, Tony called. Hulk who had just literally thrown two of Phil’s kidnappers into a wall, looked happy to see Phil and followed them without another incident.

/

When he woke up the first thing he saw was Tony Stark hunched over a tablet in chair next to his bed.

“Oh, hey you’re awake”, Tony smiled, genuine without a single trace of sarcasm in it. “Bruce!”

Phil contemplated for a moment if this was heaven but he had always hoped that any sort of afterlife would contain less hospital beds and not necessarily a nice version of Tony Stark.

Tony held a cup of water to his lips and he drank greedily.

“How long…was I..”

“A week”, Tony answered quickly before turning his head and yelling for Bruce once more.

“This…isn’t…Shield.”

Tony scratched his head and looked like Phil had caught him with the hand in the cookie jar. “We…uhm…sort of kidnapped you. In a good way”, he added hastily when Phil frowned at him. “You’re at Stark Tower. Don’t worry. Bruce is really good at what he does.” Tony smiled when the man in question hurried into the room.

“How do you feel?” Bruce asked while he checked him over. “Do you want more painkillers?”

“I’m fine.”

Bruce gave him a stern look that told Phil that he had probably already dealt with Tony’s self-destructive tendencies and knew all the meanings for “’I’m fine”.

“Could anyone-“

“Son of Coul!” Thor burst into the room with the biggest smile Phil had seen since Jane Foster had kissed him. It was like looking at the sun. “It’s good to see you!”

He was followed by Steve, Clint and Natasha, all looking equally happy to see him. It made him feel just a little bit giddy when Steve Rogers smiled proudly at him and then his lips quirked into an ironic smile and he said, “I watched you sleep, too now.”

Phil snorted.

Steve moved around the bed to take his hand. Phil knew that he was blushing and actually felt close to fainting for a moment. “I’m sorry it took us so long to find you and I’m glad you’re back.”

Out of the corner of his eyes Phil could see Clint narrowing his eyes at Steve. “Thank you, Captain. Now, can anyone explain to me why I’m not at Shield?”

“Because if Fury cannot make sure you’re protected properly then we will”, Tony said.

Phil raised his eyebrows.

“They took you from your apartment”, Steve explained. Phil remembered that. “So we thought it’d be safer if you were here in case they’d try again.”

Clint grinned unrepentantly and Natasha merely shrugged when he looked in their direction.

“Alright, that’s enough for one day”, Bruce said and gestured towards the door. “Out with you.”

They slowly trailed out, not without telling him once more how glad they were to have him back.

“I should probably take this as the compliment it was meant to, shouldn’t I?” Phil asked Bruce once the others were out. “Although kidnapping is quite extreme even for Stark.”

Bruce gave him an amused look, “It was Steve’s idea.”

Well, so much for hoping that Steve might be a stabilizing force in this team.

“At one point he yelled at Fury for not working harder to find you”; Bruce continued. “You made quite the impression on him.”

“How long will you force me to stay in bed?” He asked to avoid the giddy feeling in his chest.

“You had a major surgery a week ago”, Bruce said with reprimand open in his tone, “however everyone around here assures me that you’re a reasonable man I’ll let you out of bed in two, three days and then maybe another six, seven weeks without any strenuous activity.”

Phil nodded. Bruce looked relived that he didn’t argue with his release time.

“Try to catch some sleep. If you need anything tell Jarvis and we all come running.”

/

He woke up a couple hours later only to find Natasha and Clint playing a card game on the floor of the room.

“Welcome back”, Natasha said with a smile and sat down on the edge of his bed, careful not to cause him any pain. 

Clint joined her only that he cupped Phil’s face in his hands and kissed him softly. “Hi”, he said and knocked his forehead lightly against Phil’s. “Did anyone mention yet that Captain America himself kidnapped you?”

“Dr. Banner said something like that.”

“He gave Fury a whole speech about rewarding loyalty and the importance of friendship”, Natasha grinned, “Then Fury stared him down and told him that he had known you longer than anyone else and if we thought he didn’t care for you, we were all idiots.”

Clint laughed a little at the memory. “You’ve got a thing for men who don’t obey orders, do you?”

“It would explain why I keep you around”, Phil replied dryly. “And Stark.”

“Tony was right behind Steve, glaring at Fury all the way”, Natasha recounted. “And then he said to Fury that if he wouldn’t let us have you he would blast our way out of the helicarrier. He’s become pretty attached to you.”

“Yeah, by the way what’s that thing with the cellist? Tony wouldn’t shut up about it,” Clint asked.

“It’s an inside joke”, Phil answered. He and Pepper might have been a little drunk when they had come up with it.

“You seem to have a lot these”, Clint said with a hint of possessiveness.

“I promise not to run off with any of your teammates”, Phil replied with a quirk of his lips.

“Not even Captain America?” Natasha asked slyly because she was clearly having fun.

Phil pretended to think about it.

“I will shoot you, both of you”, Clint threatened only half-jokingly.

“As touching as all of this is but don’t you two have a job to do?”

“New assignment”, Clint said.

“Director Fury made protecting you our job”, Natasha finished for him.

“They only took me because they thought you would come and rescue me”, Phil told them.

“They were cleverer than they looked”, Natasha replied with an unimpressed expression on her face.

“They messed up the bit where no one can stop Iron Hulk”, Clint added. “You should have seen them. It’s like they’re their own team within the team.”

“It was barbaric”, Natasha said. “Highly destructive but barbaric.”

“It was a thing of beauty”, Clint said.

Phil was tempted to ask why they had come for him. Even Shield taught that sometimes you had cut your losses. One agent shouldn’t warrant their best team for an extraction. Especially not when he had been so foolish to let himself be taken from his own home. But he was feeling sleepy again and he drifted off to Natasha and Clint bantering about the rescue mission.

/

It turned out that Phil didn’t need to ask Jarvis a single time because there was always someone in his room when he was awake. Bruce was usually just there to check up on him but Thor had some very interesting tales of Asgard to tell even if his face fell a little each time he mentioned his brother. Steve turned out to be pretty easy to get along with and Tony resolutely insisted on watching trashy TV with him and no he was decidedly not hovering, where did Phil get that idea?

Pepper came by, too and Natasha usually brought board games and Clint seemed to enjoy motherhenning Phil while insisting that they did nothing more than cuddling and a few tame kisses. 

“How’s being kidnapped by the Avengers going for you?” Nick asked. He had managed to call at the one time Phil was actually left alone i.e. in the middle of the night.

“We could rename it the mother hen initiative”, Phil sighed a little resignedly only to ask curiously. “Did Steve actually yell at you?”

“Who told you that?”

“Dr Banner and Natasha. And Tony might have shown me the footage.” He heard Nick groan on the other end of the line.

“They thought I wasn’t putting enough resources into your rescue.”

“Did you tell them that I’m expendable?” 

For a moment there was silence on the other side. “You’re not. Which is why they got a little upset.”

“I’m a bit upset that you got blood over my cards”, Phil replied only half-jokingly.

“Phil-“Nick sounded exasperated, probably wondering how often Phil would make him apologise for it.

“But it got the desired results so I can’t argue with you on that.”

“You should have seen Stark. I was sure he was going to do something stupid.”

“He’s a good guy.” Phil didn’t comment on the change of topic. His death at Loki’s hands and his following resurrection was still a touchy subject between him and Nick.

Nick laughed. “And you’re not biased after spending so much time with him.”

“You’re trying to chalk me up with Stockholm syndrome?” Phil asked dryly.

“I should have done that back when you recruited Barton instead of throwing him into jail or at least when the two of you turned up with a Russian assassin in tow that you were ordered to kill.”

“I always saw it as fate”, Phil said as if it had honestly never occurred to him that it might have been something different.

“Of course you did.”

/

“You looked pretty surprised when we came”, Tony said one day out of the blue while they were watching Supernanny. And of course it would be Tony Stark who would work out that Phil had been convinced that they wouldn’t come for him.

“You had better things to do”, Phil replied, trying to sound casually.

“Erhh, no”, Tony sounded bemused that Phil would even think this. “I mean this whole team only exists because of you. And dying for us once was enough, don’t you think so?”

“That’s a job hazard.”

“Well, rest assured that none of us want that to happen again. Especially not Barton.”

“What about me?” Clint asked who was just walking through the door.

“See Agent here die again.”

“Hell no”, Clint agreed. He leaned over the back of the couch and kissed Phil.

“Hey”, Clint said once the kiss had ended.

“Hey”, Phil replied.

“Ughh”, Tony groaned. “I’m leaving before I develop diabetes. And talk to your boyfriend about his self-worth issues, Katniss.”

“It’s pronounced husband”, Clint called after him.

“Whatever”, Tony yelled back before the lift doors closed.

Clint rolled his eyes and swung his legs across Phil’s lap. “What was he talking about?”

“Nothing.”

“Is it about you getting kidnapped? ‘Cause you did look pretty surprised when we turned up.” People always gave Clint less credit than they should. He wasn’t one of Shield’s top level agents for nothing. “I thought that was because you were injured.”

Clint looked at him with the same intensity and focus that he used when he was pursuing a target. Phil had never been able to lie to him when subjected to it.

“I didn’t expect you to rescue me”; he admitted.

“Why?” Clint sounded appalled that Phil would even think that, much less actually expect it.

“I am expendable.”

“No”, Clint stated with a deep frown on his face. Phil already regretted he had let the topic progress this far. 

“I am a Shield agent.”

“So am I. None of us are expendable. That’s the first thing you learn at the academy. Hell, it’s in Fury’s opening speech. Be a part of something greater and all that.”

“You’re an Avenger. It’s different.”

“No”, Clint started to look slightly horrified. “You’re as much part of this team as any of us. And even if you weren’t I’d come for. Phil, I’d always come for you.” Clint cupped Phil’s face with his hands and made him look him in the eyes. 

“You might not always have that luxury.”

“Do you think I care? Hell, Fury brought you back from the dead. You are not expendable Phil, to none of us.”

Phil wanted to believe him so badly but he couldn’t. “I’m just trying to be sensible.”

“Believing that we wouldn’t even try to rescue you isn’t being sensible.”

“Clint – “

“I know there’s nothing I can say that would make you believe but just promise me for now that you’ll try.”

Phil struggled. On the one hand he had sworn to Clint to never lie to him. On the other hand Clint sounded desperate to hear him say it and if Phil was honest with himself so did he. “I’ll try”, he promised.

“Good”, Clint kissed him. “I’ll convince you, sooner or later.”

Phil hoped that he would.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me [ here](http://smaragdbird.tumblr.com/) on tumblr


End file.
